The phone rang at 5:30 this morning. Snow Day. There's a dusting of snow on the ground, so all but one of the kids are off school. (My oldest son only had an hour delay. He was Not Happy.) The other five kids were thrilled. Snow Day! No School!
I remember that feeling. Waking up to an unexpected off day. A blessing you weren't expecting. Even the dogs were excited. When I let them outside this morning, they bounded through the snow, sticking their nose in it. Breathing in the crisp scent. Tasting the clean cold.
All I can see is an entire day of work down the drain.
I don't want to look at things this way. I know each day with my kids is a gift. One I should cherish, because one day, I will be gone--or they will. Life's surprises aren't always Snow Day good. Living with Crohn's Disease has taught me that.
But like my mother before me, I struggle (a lot) with anxiety and depression which makes living in the moment (and appreciating the unexpected gift of a full day with my kids) difficult. Instead of smiling at the snow with them, I worry that I will fall even more behind. That worry snowballs into never getting paid, losing the house, and my kids living out of our car.
Ridiculous, I know. Yet I can't stop this brain loop. It's endless. And it's been getting worse recently. I'm at the point where sometimes, I can barely function.
But I'm trying. This blog entry is my attempt to remind myself that I don't need to hold the world together. I can relax and enjoy an unexpected day with my kids.
We don't talk about anxiety and depression, and I'm not sure why. I have no problem sharing my struggles with Crohn's, yet I worry that if I admit that I struggle Every Day with anxiety and a depression so deep I feel like I'm drowning, that people will see me as weak. As a failure.
I need to face this down.
You might have noticed that the focus of my blog has changed recently. I'm talking less about writing and more about the small things that bring me joy -- like knitting and spinning. This is deliberate. I need to learn to appreciate the moment. To live mindfully. And to do that, I need to focus more on the beautiful things in my life. The small things that make me happy.
In doing so, I hope to learn to enjoy (and even embrace) the Snow Days in my life.