Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Dreams of Grace

I have been dreaming of Grace.

Recently, Grace has started making a new noise.  It's sort of an, "Un, un, un."  She does it non-stop.  I mean All The Time.

For those of you who don't know, Grace is my ten-year-old daughter.  She is nonverbal.  The sound that she's started making recently is the closest she has come to speaking.  During the day, she follows me around saying, "Un, un, un."  When she does this I joke and say that Gracie has found her voice.
Gracie laughing as I sing to her this morning

I probably shouldn't admit this, but after hours of "Un, un, un," the nonstop noise drives me nuts.

Something must be working on my subconscious though, because in my dreams, she speaks.  And I'm so happy.  Tears of joy happy.  In my dreams she says, "Hi Mom.  I love you."

The dream either ends that way, or it changes in the way dreams do and I find out that someone was playing a cruel joke and she wasn't really talking.  I wake from those dreams crushed.

I thought I had processed all of my grief over Grace's inability to speak.  Like most things in life though, it's an ongoing process.

This morning, as we waited for the bus, I sang to her.  Grace loves music.  And she loves to hear her name.  So I change song lyrics to include her name.  She laughs when I do it.  Big belly laughs.  And I can't help but smile when I hear her voice.

In those moments, it doesn't matter that she can't form the actual words.  In her laugh, I hear the words she can't say: "Hi Mom.  I love you."

I love you too, Gracie.

No comments:

Post a Comment